Humorous iOS Game Reviews

Games on iOS take many shapes and forms, departing from the realistic in many absurd ways.

Have you ever actually sat down and thought about what you’re doing in these games? Let me enlighten you a little, with a gracious helping of humor fully intended along the way.

Fruit Ninja

Who orders all this fruit to be cut? Why is it being cut in the air like that instead of on a cutting board? Who the hell cleans up all that juice splashed all over the wall?

Even better, why are bombs being thrown into this pool of inefficient fruit slicing anyway? Wouldn’t you stop working and confront the asshole throwing the fruit up in the air (a rather high-energy job) after seeing the first bomb?

Why don’t we cut him instead and replace him with someone who doesn’t throw bombs? I bet it’s that sensei guy in the intro. The dirty devil.

And last time I was in a ninja dojo (which was never), the “fruit ninja training class” was shockingly empty in favor of other agendas. But, thank goodness there’s an app for that to save a trip to Asia or wherever, right?

Zombie Farm

Burying dead people next to plants has never yielded a mutant human plant zombie.

Furthermore, graveyards don’t seem to produce blue brain-hungry zombies either, but if they did under our noses I think the boxes would keep them pretty confined and make it hard to escape like that.

And on that note, who is that Zack Efron-looking dude playing God with this sick farm anyway? The last guy to plant bodies in his yard is serving life in prison because of the way he acquired them. Which is murder, it’s a crime in most jurisdictions where God pays attention.

In between raids of his neighbors using his army of mutant humanoids, the protagonist somehow escapes having his own brain eaten by the brain-hungry zombies.

On top of that, he keeps a stash of spare brains just for currency – who exactly exchanges brains for farm furnishings and why the zombies don’t just raid his stash and move on to create The Walking Dead in other regions remains very unclear.

Angry Birds

If an officer of the law in my region saw me putting a bird in a slingshot aimed at some pigs, particularly questionably-green pigs, I’d either end up in jail or in the funny farm (a game not yet made).

Hey Roxio, ever heard of animal abuse? Regardless of who stole their eggs, birds have never come up to me with the intention of being launched via slingshot at the perpetrators. Usually they just want bread or something.

Plus, where is this species of bird that explodes indigenous to? Mars? Afghanistan? Some group of people are either going to starve because the local wildlife are inedible due to spontaneous explosion of the prey during hunting, or else die out because their camp is continually ruined by flocks of wild explosive birds.

PETA doesn’t seem to care about Angry Birds, though they obsessed over Obama swatting a fly during an interview (look it up). Then again they also protest by getting naked, so.

Plumber Crack

In all the numerous times I’ve had a smoking hot female plumber bent under my sink to fix a leak, I’ve never thought “Boy I’d like to throw some shit down her crack.”

I once saw this game installed on the iPad of a very prominent business figure within his home one day. And yes, his personal one, not his housewife’s or kid’s. It amazes me.

Temple Run

Idol? Monkeys protecting it? What in the world?

Apparently our explorer dude never watched Indiana Jones, or else he’d carry a pistol and just shoot the stupid apes instead of fleeing like a little girl for miles of indefinite jungle paths while carrying a heavy gold idol.

And once he shakes off the primates, he needs to enter the Olympics – he’d win more medals in a row than Michael Phelps.

Punch A Hipster

Yes.

Cut The Rope

First of all, just feed the little monster already – why all the complex strings? Is that really necessary?

Second of all, a monster arrives on your doorstep and you don’t run to the news and labs to make a buck off this otherwise-dangerous creature?! Of course, it’s also logical to feed it candy via string mechanisms too. I mean.

Unblock Me

You’re playing with bricks.

Cavemen probably played the same game, except not on a high-definition mobile device. Ever think society is moving backwards? Sheesh.

Conclusion

Whether planting dead people, flinging birds from slingshots, slicing fruit mid-air for no apparent reason, running from apes for miles, throwing stuff into a plumber’s butt crack, punching teenagers, teasing a monster or playing with bricks, iOS games have much to offer in the way of entertainment.

Have you own commentary on this? Leave a comment! Thanks for reading.